| ...... |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|10:44 pm] |
i scream inside,
but not even loud enough for me to hear
or maybe so loud that it deafens me,
and i am no longer able to hear.
once i used to dream in color
now i dream in black and white
i'm fading i'm loosing i'm lost
i have what i need,
but i do not want it.
what i no longer have
is starting to leave a dent
i wish with all my might
that i could....
i go about my days
like i've been in a car crash
dazed confused
it all happened so fast
and then it was over
or did it even happen at all?
no, i know it did,
i remember
there are pictures
in my head
seeing them brings me to....
then,
i scream inside
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| Finally using my broom to clean up MY mess. |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|05:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my Wynter singing songs i don't know | ] |
I feel incredible. For the first time, I can be in complete darkness without fear. ::deep breath in, deep breath out:: i reluctantly let go of a friend whom I only knew for a moment. It was not easy. I enjoyed his company very much and the clarity of his company was refreshing. Where as i understand why, I am left wondering if I should even attempt to let him know that there is more going on and little of it is going to turn out good for him. He is being played and plagued. I had enjoyed his company with no negative side effects. It's too bad. He was so awake. Always hurts to see someone go back to sleep....However, I have my own path to walk on and keep clean. No longer does my broom sweep up after anyone else's mess. I am my own as I have always been.
I will miss you so greatly my new friend. I love you |
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| *turns face to the rain* |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|10:49 am] |
I open my eyes,
I am Awake
I welcome the light
I can feel It.
I take a deep breath
I am filled with life
I breathe out
I release myself
I am a whole
I let the sky cry my tears for me
I no longer have to shed mine
I see my path
It is aglow with wealth
I have earned my cosmic success
Never again
Will I be asleep nor
Will I close my eye.
Thank You Thank You Thank You |
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| So that's how it's going to be, is it? |
[Aug. 29th, 2009|02:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
oh good....there's that sinking feeling again. that lump in the throat that tells me i should have known better. no matter. that feeling has become an old pair of jeans that fit perfectly. i suck at this game of Life. i would like to stop playing, but i am told that is not an option. i don't like the rules, i don't like the layout of the board, i don't even like the prize for winning. i have reached my absolute zero. the last remaining portions of myself looking for a place to hide. There is about to be a war inside my head. it is a Civil War, my logic and spirituality wanting to secede from my emotions and the remainder of my humanity. Everyday it becomes harder and harder to actually give a shit what happens to the whole human race. i just wish that i understood my motivation for this human role i am suppose to assume, except i guess i don't even really care about that anymore. i feel like being nowhere and just staying there till my flesh bag stops breathing. i wish i could sink to the bottom of The Mariana Trench. it's ironic, but i don't feel depressed by these thoughts, only release from having to bother with any of it anymore ever again. |
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| Cool rain replaces the heat ripples.. |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|11:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
I know that i shouldn't be
but i am
i am so glad to be able to
touch
Fires burning till dawn
only put out by the water we throw on it
listening to the hissing
watching the steam rise
as the sky slowly brightens
no longer at arms length
so close i get to be now
arms around me
friends that lay together
into the late morning
when the sun hits our faces
urging us to waken
grateful for any time i get with you
it is peaceful having no expectations
enjoyment of eachother
pure, real, enlightening
our time together will always be
perfect |
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| and just like that.....i was awake again |
[May. 26th, 2009|03:22 am] |
|
phew, that was close.... that's better, i feel like myself again. i almost lost something there. i caught it just in time. i am so thankful that even when i feel like nothing, my friends remind me of the truth. i am always someone to me. i am my own entity. i am my own worth. Gee Whiz that feels good. i love feeling the air i am breathing actually bringing me life again. i no longer feel so drained, tired or non productive. i feel excited, awake, online ready again.
i am sitting up at 2:48 in the morning watching DVR'd Pink Panther episodes. i couldn't be anymore Zen. Had two very deep conversations on two separate nights with two separate individuals. The combination of the two conversations resulted in a wonderful surge toward the next level. i almost slipped backwards to a time when i doubted myself and shut off my lights and closed up the Temple of Love. That has happened to me before. Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you! So this time, instead of just letting the tears fall till they ran dry, i called a friend, she came to my aid and we reminded each other of what is important, what is real and of a time when we were more alive. Then i spoke to a friend today that reminded me of what it is to be a child of the Universe and be alive to all that it is, of my responsibilities. i was getting bratty and spoiled. i had stopped really earning my knowledge and was looking for handouts with out putting any effort in. i was slipping back to sleep. i feel fucking fantastic. it's weird how getting caught up in the shit that society pours down my throat makes my body just sleep. as if to prevent the filth from actually effecting my world. i heal from the sickness and then i return to myself.
now, it is time to take this body back and throw out the fat chick that's been staying in it. she's a slob and ruined the joint. i have to get this place back into shape i have shit to do and zombies to kill. i have to be tip top.
oh yea, it's on
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| Just before it became tangible, it dissapated.... |
[May. 25th, 2009|02:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hearted | ] |
Seem ripping the Cosmic cloth of the connection between us
a lacrimatory, but necessary process to stave of the bitterness
i feel every stitch as i pull it out of my Spirit and burn it away
unraveling myself a little bit at a time just to get all the pieces out
and it hurts like Hell.
just like i knew it would as soon as i realized my place in all of this,
i'm the worm on the hook.not the fish to be caught.
in my tear driven fury, i don't notice how much i have cut away
no matter, i can't fix it now..i've run out of thread
my eyes dry up enough to see clearly,
i notice how much better life was when i didn't care.
wiping the self pity off my cheeks, i come to my senses
it wasn't like i wasn't told...it wasn't like i didn't know
i just thought with a connection like ours,
maybe you would reconsider...
and be with me..
and then i remembered, my place in all this
and i went back to ripping the seems of our Cosmic cloth.
the one we sewed together..
i'd say it was over before it began
but that would be untrue...
we were in the middle of something
that started long ago in the Universe
but i don't tell others their path
i just follow my own
and you choose the one that led away from mine
so, the only thing to do now is say goodbye
it hurts to much to feel the wall you put up inside
to keep me out and at arms length
like your afraid of what you feel for me
it not longer matters
i have no hard feelings, no bitter taste
just a lot of sadness
what an awful waste
|
|
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| Gee Whiz, i wish i had a cave to move into |
[May. 21st, 2009|12:18 am] |
I'm not depressed so much as i am done. i think my time is up on "helping" people. i don't exactly think that i do anything anyways. Sometimes i feel like i am needed, but not wanted. i don't actually care too much, really. i just don't feel like putting myself out there anymore. It doesn't get me anywhere. It seems as though i am only good for a few things like cleaning, caring for dogs and kids and then there's the fella's. It seems as though i am always good enough to be sexual with, but not really good enough to date. Then when i do find someone who wants to date me, they spend the relationship commenting on how i live my life. so they don't actually want me, i just fill in a gap until they find something else to do. i wouldn't even mind being the Universe's whore, i do love the physical sensation of being sexual with someone, i just wish that i wasn't often regarded as a mistake afterwards. i have come to terms with the fact that i am not attractive or particularly intelligent, so i am not shocked that i am not sought after. i just sometimes get upset with myself for letting my life go this long with very little of my own personal worth to show for it. i feel like a used t-shirt that was worn so much it's faded to the point where the picture can't be made out and it just sits on the bottom of the drawer only worn for painting or yard work so that nicer shirts don't get ruined. By no means am i even complaining. i have obviously chosen this path so i just keep going until the Goddess grants me the mercy of closing my eyes for the last time. i am glad that Wynter has a better life than me and that she will make a difference through her music. i on the other hand appear to only be able to live off of others and cause confusion, pain and financial hardship. the only thing i have going for me is that i have the gift of gab. big deal. i can talk,a lot. i used to really care about helping others get the sludge off their third eye. i think that i just don't have any care left in me. i feel very void of emotion lately. no mood at all. just going through the motions. i think that i am going to join a branch of the military. it would fix a lot of things. i would have money coming in, i wouldn't be around and i would be told what to do all day, everyday. i would be only allowed to think what i was told to think. maybe the Air Force or the Army. that's if the military even wants me. i have actually considered the military before, but i always let myself get talked out of it. i don't think that Wynter needs me as much anymore. Now is as good a time as any, i suppose. this probably sounds like i am whining or self pitting or something or fishing for something, but honestly, as grateful as i am for everything and everyone in my world, i don't feel as though i have earned any of it, nor do i feel as though i deserve any of it. i think that i have become so good at wearing my flesh mask that no one sees the truly worthless being that resides in this ugly bag of mostly water. if they did, i don't think that anyone would keep my company. i think that i am only needed because i am always around, convenient. i try not to feel that way, but there it is. i'm easy and i'm around my two socially marketable skills. go me (dripping with sarcasm). i am not looking to be "cheered up" i am not depressed or sad, just venting. i always try so hard to keep these feelings at bay because it doesn't make it very easy to be around me and my income is generated through caring for children. so i put that happy flesh mask back on and ground the heavy feelings. i find it becoming more difficult to stave it off. the mask is slipping and i am often exhausted from having to hold it in place. i feel there fast approaching a day when i just purge myself of emotions all together and then i don't have to worry about it anymore. i have already found myself purged of love. i spent too long believing in it when all it is for me is a temporary illusion. all these years i thought that i was surrounded by love. i thought i had finally learned to fully love myself. boy, i am a better liar than my flesh father. armed with the truth, this war will be over soon. now that i truly know my place in the Universe, i'm just gonna sit down and shut up.
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| The old familar sting..... |
[May. 14th, 2009|07:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
i look back and see that it hasn't really been any different...
always there has been the conflict from somewhere
a hurdle to overcome but with no change being accomplished
the madness of mortals curdles my blood
they look, but they don' t see
therefore it all stays the same
for those who do see, everything changes
all they thought was real
stripped bare and left exposed
as fraud.
but then how am i to know what's real?
i have no faith that man will do whats right
man only does what makes him feel less guilty
not what brings him happiness.
Happiness is a responsibility to oneself
man gives away his happiness all the time
he doesn't think he needs it
oh, but he needs that job that leaves him half dead everyday
and that car that mugs him in broad daylight for repairs
because it knows he needs it
shackled society saviors slavery
not caring if it has bound us all
Well, i do care.
i brought my sharp wit to severe the binds
and my army to pillage first, then burn!
come and get me
i'll stand here and fight
till i'm covered in mud,
covered in blood
standing in the rain
washing the conformity off me |
|
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| In the beginning... |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|03:21 am] |
Blockades hurling toward the Earth
toppled by a connection that can't be denied
or defined.
The ultimate Third eye squeegee
it starts with precious blood
was paused by a playground
continued with no destination
followed by many hours of back and forth
and somehow came to a beginning of something new
all the while quietly cleaning up the no longer needed.
with morning breathing light on everything,
the smell of the beach gently rolling through an open window
rain quickly approaching
sleep came upon awakening
now we wait to see..........
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| A new friend turned me on to an old favorite..... |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|03:05 am] |
[blows dust off] i haven't used this in awhile...i used to ramble here all the time...so yeah, i think i am perhaps overdue....
i was thinking about how when humans evolve more mentally they will learn that we can be everywhere and do everything by allowing our energies to be carried through light..one would have to be careful to leave an anchor so as to be able to return to it's respective corporeal carrier..it can be done..it would also lengthen the life of the shell our energies travel in. It is interesting to me how often humans allow the fleshmobile to be a cage rather than a fueling station. a mobile fuel source for a human experience, but humans aren't suppose to be locked up in cages. humans should be using the fleshmobile to go on adventures and find new sensations and keep enjoying old ones, all the while sharing it's human experience with others who have had other sensations. sharing wisdom and energy with each other while still maintaining ones own quest. |
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| Rev‧o‧lu‧tion...a repeat post.... |
[Nov. 25th, 2006|08:37 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | unknown.. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | in a realm outside of mooods | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my own private sound | ] |
The word revolution has a lot of meanings...They all represent some level of change and movement that creates a course...not as bad or good, just change because that is what the Earth lives on and goes by and even moves...So instead of fearing change, we should embrace the fact that changes and cycles are what keeps everything moving.....You can have changes in cycles, it's patterns that are always the same.........Keep the ones you love close this season....and remember it's about who you spend your time with, not what you spend your money on that counts.......Blessed Be!!!!
Rev‧o‧lu‧tion /ˌrɛvəˈluʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[rev-uh-loo-shuhn] –noun
1. an overthrow or repudiation and the thorough replacement of an established government or political system by the people governed.
2. Sociology. a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, esp. one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence. Compare social evolution.
3. a sudden, complete or marked change in something: the present revolution in church architecture.
4. a procedure or course, as if in a circuit, back to a starting point.
5. a single turn of this kind.
6. Mechanics.
a. a turning round or rotating, as on an axis.
b. a moving in a circular or curving course, as about a central point.
c. a single cycle in such a course.
7. Astronomy.
a. (not in technical use) rotation (def. 2).
b. the orbiting of one heavenly body around another.
c. a single course of such movement.
8. a round or cycle of events in time or a recurring period of time.
9. Geology. a time of worldwide orogeny** and
mountain-building.
**o·rog·e·ny (ô-rj-n) Pronunciation Key Audio pronunciation of "orogeny" [P] also or·o·gen·e·sis (ôr-jn-ss, r-)
n.
The process of mountain formation, especially by a folding and faulting of the earth's crust |
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| Hellz Yea!!! |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|09:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cake | ] |
i had an awesome fucking time at Tool last night!!! Hellz Yea!! my most excellent friend Sarah bought me a ticket because i had never been to see them. Sweet!! i so needed a concert too. This week was a little hard on the 'ol ego, of course that is the story of my life!! LOL!! Eh, no big deal, my friends were right there for me to make sure that i knew i was loved and appreciated. It's nice to be where i am in life right now with the individuals i have in my world. i don't even have a chance to get down on myself!! LOL!! Nope, Time for Sarah, NIN cranked loud enough to fill my whole car on the way to Tool fuck yea!!! That's what i'm talking about!!! What a sick fucking show!! It is so great to have gone through the shit i have in my life, because i tell you standing here in my life now and knowing that there was a time when rejection would have sent me into wondering what was wrong with me and being mad at myself for the weight i had put on and a slew of other the other negative aspects that come along with being rejected. However, all it takes now is a good Tool concert and the solid words of a great friend to completely let go. Instead, i have focused on the positive things...i have already lost a lot of weight and am continuing to do so, and there isn't anything wrong with me, it is just that not everyone is going to like me, simple as that. i also have a lot of shit i have to do with my time and i am not going to spend any of it being sad about something that is probably better off this way anyhow. i am truly amazed at how much life i have been allowed to make up for these past 3 months. i have learned so much. It was like i had been sleeping in class for 4 years and now i have had to cram for the big test!! The Universe has been graciously tutoring me and even though i let 4 years of my life go by, it didn't just pass. i have been granted the gift of my friends being with me whole time not letting me get away with a single ounce of self loathing. Sometimes it was hard not to feel like i was the biggest waste of space the world had ever created. Sometimes i felt like i was just getting in the way, a burden, a fat, ugly, useless burden at that! Nope, my friends wouldn't have that. They didn't even know that i was feeling that way most times, they would just call me and want to hang out and be with me, miss me even! i know that the friends i have wouldn't waste their time with me if i wasn't worth it. i have said it many times here before, and i will say it again. i love my friends. They are incredible individuals..If it wasn't for their company, i don't know where i would be right now. i am forever grateful for the company i keep. i am not sure that Sarah will ever really know how much this concert meant to me nor will she ever really know what it did for me to have her so easily just be like "oh you've never seen Tool?! but you love them so much! oh i am going to fix that" i am so glad that i can sit here and type this knowing that i don't feel even a sliver of hurt from these past 3 months and the past 4 years have brought me an inexhaustable amounts of strength. It is refreshing to know that i never feel lonely. i am my own good company. so yeah, i haven't babbled on LJ in awhile Hahahahaha!! To make a long story short (Too late!) Tool was fucking awesome!!!!!! i can't wait to see Q at Haven on Tuesday fuck yea!! i am glad to have been through all the hard shit in my life already. The rest will be smooth sailing ( : |
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| i am enjoying life..... |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|06:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
Yea!! Woke up this morning and my friend was like hey come over and get enlightened with me..Great weather, we toked outside...Then i went for a walk with another friend around Noho, always fun : )
i have had a couple of really fun days. The Universe loves me and i love the Universe as my friend Cowboy would say. i really like the fact that even though i have been through a lot since like December, i haven't had to go through any of it alone. i am so in love with life and the way that i feel everyday. i am getting to know new individuals, some i have known of for awhile but never really got to know...Some are completely new and are a lot of fun also. i like that when i went to Target there was a girl there that saw me at Haven and she said hi to me. Then she made a point to say hi to me when i saw her at Haven. That is so cool. i feel all special and whatever. i have been going to Haven now for like 8yrs. That is such a long time. i love it!! It truly has brought me so much. Friends, an understanding of myself, outlooks on life and somewhere to dance!! Oh how i love to go and dance all night!! Yea!! So, i don't really remember what i was going to write here, but i am enjoying life to the fullest!! i highly recommend it for anyone.
i guess that's it for that..hope that everyone is well!! |
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| whewww that being done |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|04:11 am] |
|
Holy crackers it is really early in the morning....i should be sleeping already..i just wanted to clean my livejournal up a little...now i am off to sleep.....so good |
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| that was fun! |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|05:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | frickin birds telling me the sun is coming | ] |
I escaped from the Dungeon of Demonchld!I killed Strwbrysweetnes the leprechaun. I looted the Sceptre of Noaccident, the Amulet of My Car and 35 gold pieces. Score: 85 Explore the Dungeon of Demonchld and try to beat this score, or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon... |
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| Been a long time..wish the news was different |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|03:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The rain outside my window | ] |
So, for those of you who do not know, i am leaving Patrick. i have no hard feelings toward him, i actually only have complete apathy for him at this point. i wish that weren't true, but it is. The long and short is this...i can't love someone who doesn't care about the way he speaks to me and snaps at my daughter for things like making a comment about a TV show he wasn't even watching. i can't love someone who claimed to have loved me, but then can't have an adult conversation with me about our future. i can't love someone who i constantly feel like i have to defend myself to. i can't love someone who is full of double standards and condemns others with ease. and i can't love someone who has to get their digs in rendering conversations non productive. i realized that i am actually a very nice individual. i can't hang out with mean people. i am not hurting and i all i wish for him is a good life and better times. i will always appreciate that i have Wynter living with me because of him. i know that i may end up losing some of you as friends because of this post, but i needed to say my piece. i feel i am getting bad press about this and normally i wouldn't bother with defending myself over something i read on myspace, however he appears to think it funny to post that i went insane and decided he was my father. This is a very disgusting example of how he likes to get back at me and is very selective with his cuts to ensure it goes deep. i don't need that shit in my life. He doesn't seem to think it an issue, even when i am crying so hard i can't breathe, he somehow feels justified in breaking me down. i can not and will not be treated like that anymore. i tried to get him to see that it needed to stop, he didn't think it was a big deal. i do. No one can change someone who doesn't want to and thinks there is nothing wrong with how they do things. i really tried everything i could to get him to stop, he didn't. so i removed myself from the situation. plain and simple. i will not be unhappy for the rest of my life because he doesn't really appear to have any faith in me. i haven't felt this right about a decision in a long time. i have nothing further to say on this, ever really. forgive me if that sounds rough. i only posted this because some of you i don't stay in touch with as much as i would like to and i just wanted to say my piece about it. all i ask is that whatever is heard, know that i did not ever intend to hurt anyone, i just had reached the end of my rope. thank you for reading. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|02:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
That was a great fucking time!!!!! i had so much fun at Haven tonight! it was the ten year. my sister Kris went with me. She had a very good time too. there were so many heads out some who hadn't been in years. it really made me miss Caroline. The worst part about missing Caroline is that i think of how when she was here i didn't really hang out with her as much as was probably good for me. i was doing something stupid instead and it is something that will be a bit of a regret for time to come.
Oh yea and GIRRRRRRRR! why are people so stupid sometimes? Mini poll everyone....if you found someone that you really liked, but they needed a little bit of time to get themselves together, but they still called you and you still got some of the fringe benefits, Would you wait for them or would you try to find some random hole that would let you stick your dick in it? honest answers only please. i won't tell why i ask, i am just really in pain for a friend and my heart hurts. i hope that he didn't do anything really fucking stupid. but alas it is not my life and i really don't have any say. However, as a friend my heart hurts. i just wish that good people could love themselves so they didn't have to keep making their lives harder on themselves.
i had a great time though and i should go to bed. goodnight all those who weren't there, we missed you :) |
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| been awhile |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|01:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Helmet; Unsung | ] |
Hope everyone is well...
Taking some time off to get things a little more in order before i actually start working. Finally finished my externship. That was an awesome feeling.
Christmas was good, i got a new tattoo. It is of a blue lotus seen here http://www.erowid.org/plants/show_image.php?i=bluelotus/nymphaea_nouchali_caerulea1.jpg beautiful, yes? all the colors on it are custom. Wynter was psyched. She got a lap top from myself and the rest of my fam. 13" dell. yea, your jealous:p j/k, a beautiful acoustic guitar from my Mom, a Nintendo DS some gift cards and other fun things.
i got a new cell phone. this is the first time i have been excited about a cell phone. i got the itunes phone with blue tooth headset oh yea ;) it is so much fun to listen to music through headphones while doing dishes ;)
alright now i should really go to bed. i get sucked into the computer sometimes. GOD my room is so fucking hot!!!!! but if i turn the heat down, me and Wynter freeze downstairs. ah well i just sleep with the door open
so anyway my birthday is Friday Feb 10th (go me!) goodnight ;) |
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demonchld's journal
rejuvenated
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